Originally posted 2017-08-22 21:38:57.
Hi!
Well it is countdown Day-14. It’s something how the sting of grief hits you at anytime or moment. You might be full of glee one day. Then, suddenly tears come. When this happens, it’s good to take time and pray to find out why.
My daughter, Mika’s birthdate is in 7 days. Tears have met me every morning. The other day, it popped on my mind, “37 years ago, she was in my belly.” Images of Mika, when she was a beautiful baby and toddler creeps into my mind. 
This year, it’s as hard as it was in 2014, when she passed. The closer it gets to her birthdate; the harder it becomes. I miss my daughter so much. There’s a scream way down on the inside; and it’s punching me in my stomach. HELP! Lord, PLEASE HELP!
Even so, there’s a song that’s ringing in my spirit.
Kirk Franklin’s, “Wanna Be Happy?” That’s it. I just want to be happy. I am not miserable, I just want to be happy.
Laughter is good medicine; with no side affects. Last week, my childhood friend, and I texted each other. She asked if I remembered a boy in elementary school named, Gerard. She said, “I wonder if he became a scientist.” I described him; and she jokingly replied, “Yea, the one you beat up. Nobody bothered you after that.” It was so funny.
I texted her back and said, “Lol. I was just thinking about that. He was holding my forehead while I was swinging. That would be a comedy show in 2017.” She replied, “Omg…I forgot about that ..lololol …yes it would.” Then she said, “Why am I sitting in the tub soaking, drinking coffee and sweating? Smh” I texted back, “Girl!! Sweating in the tub?? You’re having a hot flash in the water; AND you’re drinking coffee?? Have Bernard go buy a bag of ice and pour it in the water. Lol” (F.Y.I. – Bernard is her husband.) It was a much needed laugh.
Our conversation brought back so many memories. 
My friend, her sister and I used to talk about any and every thing. We weren’t ashamed to say crazy thoughts that came on our minds. We weren’t in competition with each other; nor did we ever judge one another. Having a friend who you can talk candidly with is rare. I thank God for JGB,
My sons and I have open dialogue.
My sons share a lot with me; especially my oldest. I often tell him. “Justin, that is TMI.” But it doesn’t stop him. I love my sons. Even though we talk about what’s going on today; sometimes, there’s an elephant in the midst of the conversation. We’re all grieving Mika’s death; and none of us share what’s on our hearts about our pain. Do we need to see a counselor?
Sometimes, I think so. Watching Mika get darker and darker; and go in the hospital and suffer until her death, still plagues my thoughts. I’m sure it bothers my sons. What do I do to combat those tortuous thoughts? Pray, read, sing praises, write, and do ministry. But at the moment, none of it’s stopping the pain. I miss, “Us.” Me, Mika, Justin, Melvin, and Jordan. 
I miss seeing my Mika, James and Jordan happy together. 
Perhaps, Justin, Melvin and I should occasionally talk about old times and smile from the memories. That would be great. Maybe, we need to talk about our pain; without them shutting down; or me crying. That would be wonderful. We need to enjoy one another today. We need to make plans for the future. We need to make new traditions. But how?
How do you laugh when your heart is aching?
My friends, do you ever find yourself in a cloud of grief? How do you break through it? How do you move out of the gooey film of stuck? How do you find slivers of joy in the crevices of sorrow?
Praise God through the pain. Praise God through the heartache. Praise God through the sadness. Sing!! Take a break from Facebook. Shut out negativity. Watch a comedy! Go to the park and sit by the water. Write it out. Ask God to help you.
Kirk Franklin’s song, “Wanna Be Happy,” is ringing in my heart again. I guess the word today is, “Happy!” Yes! “Happy!” It’s going to happen. Happiness will come into me and my sons’ lives like a flood. God’s going to rest upon our hearts like the morning dew rests on the plants and trees.
Oh yes He will.
There’s another song that came in my spirit a couple of days ago. “Raindrops keep falling on my head. But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turning red. Crying’s not for me ’cause, I’m never gonna stop the rain by complaining, Because I’m free. Nothing’s worrying me. It won’t be long till happiness steps up to greet me.”
Happiness will come just as unexpectedly as someone giving you a handshake with a folded up dollar bill in it. Watch and see. One day, you’re going to experience so much happiness again, until you won’t be able to contain your smile and laughter. Just watch and see!
Here’s another song on my heart. “To God be the glory! To God be the glory! To GOD, be the glory! For the things, He has done! Hallelujah!
What about today?
Today, was wonderful; even though attacks plagued it. Yet, there is still a smile on my face. The first attack was unexpected. The second and third were not a surprise. But they are irrelevant. The bottom line: “I spoke what The Lord told me to speak.”
The Spirit of the Lord told me, “Rochelle, when God mandates you to walk in rough terrains; you’ll be met with strong opposition. Especially where strongholds live. But set your face like a flint; and obey God. People will dislike you for adamantly following God’s instructions; but don’t stop.” Yes Lord!
When you’ve been the brunt of people’s conversations; it will come out. In the heat of a person’s anger; they will let you know how they really feel. But don’t stop. Some people won’t like you. Do not quit. Do not internalize someone openly coming against what God told you to say. Their response lets you know; your words affected them.
Also, do not dwell on accusations from those who don’t like you. Allow your happiness and joy to center around you following God’s instructions.
Wow! My tears from missing Mika 
are dry at the moment. Today, writing to release the frustrations overshadows my need to talk to her. Happiness from knowing she’s not in any more pain is here. Happiness from God’s guidance is knocking on the door of my heart. God is fulfilling His personal promises to me.
Even though today’s writing has scattered thoughts; this countdown is awesome. The layers of allowing the opinions of others to stop me; are peeling. Praise God!
My friends, thank you for joining me today. I’m looking forward to countdown Day-13. We’ll talk soon.
Blessings!
Rochelle
