Is Aging Softening the Pain of Grief, Change and Rejection?

Hi there!

It has been months since I posted on Springing Beyond These Walls! But after being quarantined for days due to a positive COVID test, resting, having to miss church two Sundays, and praying for one hundred percent healing, this unfinished writing came to my mind. Praise God! I originally started jotting down thoughts along with a title to this post the day after Memorial Day. I began to slowly write in my phone two days ago. With some massaging of the title, the question is now: “Is Aging Softening the Pain of Grief, Change and Rejection?”

Let’s talk about it….

Living through deaths of those you love is not a cakewalk. Especially when multiple loved ones pass away. The length of time between occurrences does not always matter. Sometimes the incremental jabs pile up and hit you hard. One day you are doing fine. The next day you are inundated with reminders that immediate family members and loved ones from your childhood and young adulthood are gone. It is especially tough when you are the youngest of four siblings, of which one died before you were born, and three died during your lifetime. They left you, and the grief feels like rejection.

Rejection cuts and leaves lingering wounds and thoughts of abandonment that lodge in your memory. The many losses have caused you to suffer in silence for years. You try your best to avoid thinking about who is no longer with you. But when you least expect it, life hurls mental notes at you that they are no more. I can relate.

Just thinking about it causes my eyes to water.

My oldest brother, Bobby was killed in 1981. My mom ran from the law in 1987, and died of breast cancer in May 2002. Nine months later, in February 2003, my brother Marvin died from a brain bleed. After suffering from multiple strokes, my daddy died horribly in November 2007.

Even with the pain and grief from those devastating losses, I had yet to feel the most painful loss. I thought losing my mom was the greatest rip of my heart. But I found out that it was not. The worst year of my life was 2014. That was the year my daughter Tamika died from liver failure brought on by Sickle Cell Anemia. The excruciating pain of losing a child is indescribable. It is a mother’s worst nightmare.

In May 2016, just as I was beginning to realize I could survive the loss of my daughter, an unexpected blow happened. My dear sister Angie’s heart gave out. I will never forget the day my niece, Loriel called me and said that her mom was dead. The punch in the gut from losing my sister lingers.

Wow! All of my immediate family members from childhood are gone. Mama, daddy, Bobby, Marvin, and Angie are gone. My only daughter, the child of my teen years, Tamika is also gone. Life as I once knew it is nonexistent.

Changes that affected my life were not based solely on losing loved ones. On Monday, April 6, 2009, I suffered from a ruptured brain aneurysm and subsequently had multiple brain surgeries that year. I survived, but my life changed completely. I had to stop working on my job of seventeen years. My title, according to my job and the doctors’ diagnoses changed from corporate leader to ‘disabled’ that year.

Months after the aneurysm, I began to sporadically remember the job responsibilities that were no more. It felt as if I had lost who I was, which caused me to grieve for me. Not being able to work, lead multiple employees, go into executive meetings, serve on workgroups, plan employee meetings, help employees calculate service and interest reimbursements, write performance reviews, encourage employees and handle daily tasks left me feeling empty and purposeless.

The aneurysm and brain surgeries also took a toll on my thinking. I remember telling my daughter that I did not think as fast as before. She sarcastically said, “Mama welcome to our world!”

But my daughter heard me. She bought me crossword and sudoku puzzles to exercise my brain. She also pushed me to write due dates of my monthly bills in a notebook and record dates paid. She took me to the bank and helped me do my banking. She took me to my doctors’ appointments and helped me remember what to tell the doctors.

At the time, my daughter and I did not know that she was preparing me for life without her. But five years after the brain aneurysm, I found out how much I depended on my precious daughter. In the first five months of 2014, my precious, beautiful, strong, intelligent and courageous daughter suffered like never before. She died June 3rd of that year. My best friend, my confidante, my guardian, my three year old grandson’s mother, my son-in-law’s wife, my sons older sister was gone.

Without Tamika, I was forced to learn to sometimes go to the doctor, the grocery store and places to take care of business on my own. With no one to talk to about my feelings of bewilderment, my walls and my pain, the Lord reminded me of the blog I had talked to my daughter about before she died. In October 2015, I finally launched and posted on “Springing Beyond These Walls.” Developing blog posts caused me to discover how writing is therapeutic. God used writing to help me heal emotionally.

But the attacks were not over. In 2016, six months after my sister Angie passed away, I had a mild stroke. Wow! Another blow to my brain. The enemy really wanted my mind. But thank God, I survived.

A question to the Lord that came to my mind then and often comes to my mind now is, “Why am I still alive?” I miss my immediate family from my youth. I miss my only daughter. My sons are busy and don’t come over on holidays as they did in the past. My daughter’s son, my oldest grandson is okay. We don’t see each other as often as we used to. Life as I knew it with my children and grandson changed. But I thank God for technology. I text my sons positive quotes and they text me as well. I text my oldest grandson nightly to remind him to say his prayers. Most nights he texts me to say that he won’t forget and that he loves me. He also texts me  with, “Hey Gaga!” That lets me know that he misses me.

My sons bring my precious younger grandsons over occasionally. I thank God for my two sons and three grandsons. I love them all so very much. I pray that they all get saved and that they have prosperous lives.

I am still alive for a reason.

Being here for my sons when they need a sounding board is a reason. Answering my phone when my two oldest grandsons need to see and talk to me via FaceTime is a reason. Listening to my youngest grandson talk his baby talk via FaceTime is a reason. Texting my nieces and nephews periodically is a reason. Praying for my cousin/niece when she texts me with, “Can I PLEASEEEEEE get a “Help xxxxxxx” prayer right now? I really need it….BAD,” is a reason. Helping God’s people, saved and unsaved, become disciples of Christ is a reason. Teaching people in ministry and leadership is a reason. Serving on teams to help in ministry is a reason. Helping leaders in ministry is a reason. Coaching from behind the scenes is a reason. Blogging on this site and teaching Bible lessons on “Walking Though the Word with Rochelle” is a reason. Being a living epistle read of men is a reason. Spreading the Good News of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is a reason.

There is more…

My two childhood best friends were twins. One of them, June, passed away in 2007. I thank God for her twin, Joi. We still carry the label of ‘BESTIES’.
We talk every few months, and when we do, our conversations are long. Praise God! My cousin Belinda, who lives in St. Louis, and I talk and pray together several times a month. Praise God! My sister/cousin Amanda and I talk every couple of months. Praise God! My brother/cousin, Lawrence and I talk occasionally. Thank God for Joi, Belinda, Amanda and Lawrence!

Are your friends in ministry minimal? You are not alone. Most people who live their lives to please God have few friends. Also, when God elevates you to walk in divine assignments, some supposed friends in ministry show their true colors. Do not be surprised when someone you have known for decades starts treating you differently or betray you. If that friendship becomes null and void, cry if you have to, pray and have a conversation with that person to make sure you did not do anything wrong. But DO NOT try to figure out what happened. Dredging that non-issue up is futile. “Move on! Stop grieving what never was, forgive the person, and love unconditionally.”

There is more…

Do you experience dislike from certain people you serve with in ministry on various levels. Many say that it should not bother you, and most of the time it does not. But it does at times. Someone told me about how they deal with dislike from co-laborers in the Gospel. This person even dreamed about the situation. One morning this person woke up feeling ostracized about how they were excluded from functions and important meetings. I told this person that I dealt with similar situations multiple times. They were years ago after I earned my Undergraduate degree, after earning a Master of Divinity, and again after I was given new ministry assignments. I shared with the person about how awesome God is, and how the Spirit of the Lord spoke to me and said, “Rochelle, their excluding you is on them. You know your assignments from the Lord, and you serve the Lord wholeheartedly. You are highly intelligent, anointed, well-educated, confident, unique, kindhearted, humble and independent. You also ask God to help you overcome your flaws; I.e., stubbornness. There is a reason why those characteristics irritate some people. You know who you are. Do not waste brain time trying to figure others out.”

My friend, think about it! What if it was you?

Do you wonder why the above mentioned attributes would be the reason for being disliked? You are not haughty or braggadocios. Right? So, why do some people dislike you? Is it any of the characteristics in the above paragraph? Could it be your outgoing personality or your shyness? Is it your determination to do things with a spirit of excellence? Are you standoffish? Are you rude? Are you courteous? Are you unfriendly? Are you very friendly and hospitable? Are you loyal? Just examine yourself, pray and keep going?

I often pray, “What is it Lord? Why do some people dislike others or are intimidated by them for seemingly no reason at all? Do people see their own shortcomings in others? Do people fail to see what God has imparted in them? Do people see qualities in others that they wish they had?”

……And so……

What are results from loss, rejection, and lack of people to talk to or confide in? The other day, I noticed that there are days when the only voice I hear talking to me is ‘Siri’ saying, “Huh?” Some days I feel totally alone in the world. I am not suicidal, nor am I sad from loneliness. The older I get and the more I read, I see that my sporadic thoughts of being in this world alone are common. Some people, single or married feel alone in a crowd. Age does not matter either. There are youth battling feelings of being alone. Lord I pray for every senior, every youth, every person period who feel alone.

I thank God for the Word of God. I thank God for the desire to read, learn and write. I thank God for the areas of ministry where I serve and the people who are blessed. Yet the occasional thoughts of being alone hit like a ton of bricks. But, “Lord, thank you for being with me. I am sixty-one years young, and I thank you God for peace being in my soul.” Praise God!

Lord God, I love you so very much! I love my family and friends. I love the saints of God. I love all God’s people, including those who do not care for me, aka enemies. Thank you Lord for the wonderful epiphany you have enlightened me with. Today I realize that even with all of the losses and rejections, “instead of losing who I was, I found who I am.”

Aging has and continues to soften the pain of grief, change and rejection. How? Today I enjoy my own company. I enjoy moments as much as I enjoy minutes and hours. There is still so much new to discover about God, life and the awesome woman God has created me to be today and to become as I live. It is not too late to dance, play, run, finish the doctorate, buy a new home, travel, fall in love again or start new ministry initiatives and business ventures.

“What people think about you” is a fluid thought with aging. This is a time in life to not allow negative opinions of others to take residence and linger in your thoughts. The spirit of rejection MUST no longer be driving your emotions. “Bye, Bye” needing to be accepted. “Au Revoir” feeling sad when you are ostracized. “Arrivederci” sulking over people wanting what you have, but not wanting you. “Yasou” feeling abandoned. “Adios” grief dampening your joy. “Farewell” bondage!!!!

Wow!! Liberation is wonderful!

As for me……. Freedom has stepped into my space. Is it in yours? Joy has been in the shadows a long time waiting on many of us to embrace it. When I decided to believe God’s Holy Word no matter what happens in my life, joy became my constant. Now that I am saturated with joy, negative thoughts leave as quickly as they come.

Hope is here! Dreams are here! New goals are here! Optimism is here! Expectation is here! Loving me is definitely here! Thank you Lord!

The lyrics to an old gospel song is in my heart. “Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Since I laid my burdens down! I feel better! So much better! Since I laid my burdens down!”

So what about you?

How is aging to (21, 31, 41, 51, 61 or 71+) softening the pain of grief, change or rejection in your life? Has the pain diminished? What things do you look at differently today from how you did 6 months, or 1, 3, 5, 10. 15, 20 years ago?

Perhaps…………

Enjoying life NOW is here! Smiling is here! New is in the atmosphere! New goals are here! Anticipation is here! Prosperity is here! There’s a scripture on my heart. It reads, “Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.” III John‬ ‭1:2‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Letting go of what was is here!

Another text that is on my heart reads, “Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.” Isaiah‬ ‭43:18-19‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Thank you for joining me today! I look forward to talking with you soon! 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

Blessings!

Rochelle 🌹