Originally posted 2016-12-22 10:23:32.
Hi!
Do you realize how blessed you are? And did you know your being blessed is more than just having material gain. You can be so spiritually and mentally together until you are tickled with joy in the midst of any life circumstance. Having your thoughts intact makes way for you to press to succeed and attain your goals. …But when did it happen? When did you lose the worry? When did you drop the anger? When did you get a grip on your hurt feelings? When did you start to laugh again? When did you decide to walk in purpose? When did you mature spiritually?
AND how do you know you’re there? If you are one who writes in journals, you can look at what you wrote a year or years ago; and see how far you’ve come. Hopefully the anger and pain you had about life, towards God, certain love ones and others are gone; and you no longer sweat the small stuff. Is that you? Yes? Great!!
Sometimes to see how you’ve grown, you need to take a walk down writing lane. Then you’ll see how the things that bothered you, no longer grab your attention. Your journal also shows you how you may have had issues when you wrote in your journal; but now you’ve had a complete turn-around. Sometimes reading your journals resurrects old feelings of needing to repent. If you need to repent; do it. But, if you’ve already repented; don’t allow guilt to consume you; pray; and keep it moving. Because, my friends, now you can say without a shadow of doubt, “I is free now Kizzy!” If that’s you, Great! But how did it happen? Come on and take a few more walks with me in this journey; relate; then see how strong YOU are during your toughest moments.
Here’s Part XII:
Taken from: Thoughts While Tamika was in ICU and After Her Transition June 3. 2014. (Feb 14, 2015, 6:40 am – Rename this writing – Mika Is Free??? or After Losing My Daughter: My New Normal???)
Sunday, February 1, 2015 @ 10:46 pm
– Laying here in my bed thinking, and missing Mika. As a matter of fact, I miss the times when I was raising my three children. It may have been a struggle, but I miss them dearly.
– Y was in town for three days. He didn’t even call or come by. That hurts; but it’s ok. It’s time to cut him off. I remember when he lived with me without helping with bills for almost a year. And when I told him that he needed to help, he moved; without telling me that he was going to move. Then I let him come back. It’s time to cut people off who don’t care. 
I love Y; and if he ever needs my help, I will help him as best I can. But now I don’t want to hold him close to my heart. As a matter of fact; I will not hold him close. He no longer has that place of my other son. Goodbye Y; the cut has taken place. God bless you! I pray you have good health, joy, peace, wealth, prosperity, happiness, and salvation.
– Now Rochelle move on.
Monday, February 9, 2015 @ 6:38 am
– This past week was great. Getting the chance to spend time with my children and grandson all together twice in one week was wonderful. Also, getting past feelings of failure when reworking the lesson for the ministerial staff was wonderful. Also resetting goals for 2015 is wonderful. Also understanding co-laborers; and not being angry is wonderful.
– I dreamed of my daughter twice this past week. One time was saddening. She was in ICU. They said that her kidneys had failed, and she was being given blood through two needles. …In the second dream she was alive again, and back in the city. We talked on the phone and were supposed to meet at a place that looked like University of Detroit Mercy’s campus. 
I waited for her very excited about the chance to see her again; and then she called me and told me that she had to go on to Middlebelt and 96 to meet up with Ki to see about her. I was disappointed about not getting the opportunity to see Mika; but I was still waiting and anticipating seeing my daughter again. Then I woke up. When I woke up, I was happy AND sad. Happy at the opportunity to talk to my daughter; but sad that I didn’t get a chance to see her. I was also sad because that was in fact a dream; she is really dead; and I’m not going to see or talk to her on this earth again. In that second dream my brother Marvin was also in it. He and I talked of something that I can’t remember; but I was irritated with him about something. When I woke up, I thought, “They both are dead.”
– I believe those dreams attributed to that excruciating headache that I had all day Saturday.
– I wish I could look at my life and feel as though I have a nice life.
Monday, February 16, 2015 @ 9:19 am
– It’s so frustrating to hear people talk about how favored they are to be alive. Does that mean, Mika didn’t have God’s favor upon her; because, He allowed her to die from this earth and join Him? In fact, she may be more favored than any of us.
Friday, February 20, 2015 @ 9:08 am
– I miss my daughter soooooo much. 
My heart cries out to hear her voice, to talk to her, to see her beautiful face, to discuss things with her, and to see her joy of having a husband and a son. I really miss Mika.
– This bewilderment and feeling of abandonment is intense.
– Though I know I’m never alone; because I always have Jesus, I feel so lonely.
– It is time for me to draw nigh into The Lord again. Lord, and this time, I will never get so far from constant communication with you. I will get back to the place where I was with you when my children were little. YOU were my confidante Lord. YOU were the one who I turned to Lord. You kept me in perfect peace; because I kept my mind stayed on you.
– I love my children dearly, but I have to make sure that my prayer life is intact. I have to make sure that I seek you early Lord.
– I understand more now why God dropped Isaiah 40:31 in my spirit a couple of weeks ago. The Lord was telling me to study that text for myself. To get back into digging in His Word like I did when my children were babies. Dig like before I went to seminary; before I started pursuing a PhD; before I had so many ministry obligations.
– The Word of God has always been my place of refuge, my company keeper, my guide for life. 
Now it’s time to get back into searching for more of God through searching His Holy Word.
– Thank you God for leading me back to my first love.
Monday, February 23, 2015 @ 12:29 pm
– I just received a text from N. inviting me to her mom’s surprise 50th birthday celebration dinner. I can’t go because of a previously scheduled ministry engagement on that day. Actually, I don’t want to go anyway. M. didn’t contact me after my daughter died. She came over a few days to impress people, but after family went back to St. Louis after the funeral I didn’t hear from M. I really don’t wish to sit, laugh and talk to her.
– Am I harboring un-forgiveness? Or is it that I just don’t want M. in my life again. Lord, is this a wall? Am I afraid to take a chance on possibly being hurt again by loved ones?
2:42 pm
– I just spoke with Angie and Genise. It was good to talk with them. I love them so much.
– It’s hard for me to be around family without Mika being alive. It just reminds me of the past; but now Mika is not here.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015 @ 5:48 pm
As I sit in the examination room waiting on Dr. Carouba to come in; I reflect upon my life. It’s been almost six years since the aneurysm. My daughter is dead. My sons are dealing with legal issues. My son-in-law just told me that his job may shut down. And here I am sitting here in pain, hoping to get better. Some days the headaches are almost unbearable. The pain in my heals is frustrating. My left thumb hurting, being numb and tingling is frustrating. But I still say “Yes Lord.”
Friday, February 27, 2015 @ 9:55 am
– Last night after leaving the first book club meeting, I was happy AND sad. The meeting went well. However, I started missing Mika as I drove home. I miss sharing my triumphs, defeats; and bouncing ideas for improvement with Mika. She would tell me her thoughts on what we discussed without prejudice, jealousy, being tainted, and being influenced by low self-esteem. She would share her ideas. I really miss Tamika. She was such a blessing to me.
Saturday, February 28, 2015 @ 9:24 pm
– I didn’t realize how much Tamika was so needed in my life until she got sick in the hospital.
– I missed talking to her. But at least I got a chance to go and see her. Now I realize why she would call and ask me why I hadn’t called her before she got sick. I thought she was just being a baby. But we were that close.
– But now it feels like I have no one. My sons have their own lives; and their own ways of trying to deal with the loss of Mika.
– I feel so alone. So all by myself. Sometimes I wish that I was with Jesus. There is no one that I even want to talk to. Both of my sons are dealing with issues that can jeopardize their success and liberty; and that worries me. No one to talk to.
– My sons don’t care. They can’t care. They are grieving too much; and I am not in a place of rescuing them. Only The Lord can do that.
– Perhaps we all are feeling alone.
– Lord please help my sons. Please Lord.
– Lord please help me. Quitting is ever before me. Just wanting to run away from it all. But not my precious grandson; I can’t leave him.
Well my friends, thank you for joining me today. If you are wondering how my thoughts during that time helped me to press to purpose; that’s a good question. This writing caused me to see how angry I was with others; which was a hindrance. It helped me to repent again and not let the enemy of my soul lay a guilt trip on me; which moved the distractions and pushed me to focus. It also helped me to see how God has delivered me and is yet cleansing me; and I feel so free from the encumbrances that held me bound. Thank you Jesus!
Here are some closing questions for you. “Do you see the relevance of keeping a journal? Do you see how God helps while you’re in the midst of turmoil? Can you see your strength during your toughest moments? What are your thoughts?” I’d love to hear from you. We’ll talk soon.
Blessings!
Rochelle
