Originally posted 2016-12-23 11:26:38.
Hi!
Do you ever wonder why you do some of the things you do? Why do you love to sing, teach, play a musical instrument, travel, paint, sell cars, sew, cook, dance or write? I know you might be saying, “It’s just a proclivity, duh!” But the question remains; “Why?”
Some of us don’t realize certain things are a part of who we are; until it just hits us. For instance, I didn’t think about how long I’ve written until this series started. As I reread my thoughts and wrote the intros to each post; I had an epiphany about myself. I love to learn and to help others learn. Writing is woven into my wish to help others. But when did it begin? What is it birthed out of?
Expressing myself has been a part of my daily routine since childhood. I started piano lessons; and learned to read music; as a little girl. I not only wrote my thoughts; but I would go down into our basement, 
sit at the piano, play what was screaming in my heart and write. The reason wasn’t so that others would hear and benefit. I was too shy for that. It was just in me to write my way through.
Writing and playing the piano were my therapy in a household of domestic violence. That’s probably why I wrote as I sat and watched my daughter slowly leave us; and why the writing continued afterwards. Journaling was and still is an intricate part of my secret place. It’s in my prayer haven with The Most High God. It’s such a means of expression.
My friends, what about you? Perhaps it has been a long road for you to get to this point in your life? Besides prayer, staying in your Word, hard work and perseverance; what else did God use to aid your push? Writing; perhaps? Stay with me as we draw closer to the end of this journey. Relate if you can; but see how God gives YOU strength during your toughest moments.
Here’s Part XIII:
Taken from: Thoughts while Tamika was in ICU and after her transition June 3, 2014 (Feb 14, 2015, 6:40 am – Rename this writing – Mika Is Free??? or After Losing My Daughter: My New Normal???)
Sunday, March 1, 2015 @ 4:01 am
– Now I understand some of my mother’s heartache.
– The book, “I Know Why The Cage Bird Sings,” comes to mind. The writer of that book could relate to the caged bird.
– I can relate to my mother’s stray. She lost her oldest child; her son; the one who she talked to. The one she could relate to. He was gunned down. A sheer tragedy.
– I lost my oldest child. My only daughter; the child who I could talk to. The child who I could relate to. She was taken away by Sickle Cell Anemia. A sheer tragedy.
– And now, the enemy attacks my mind with a spirit of stray. But oh no; I will not leave God. I am disappointed; and I feel alone. But I know that Jesus is with me. I will not walk away from God.
– And now my baby boy is at a place called stray. I don’t want to lose him too.
– And now my middle child, my oldest son is at a place called stray. I don’t want to lose him too.
– Father God in the name of Jesus, thank you for not letting me give in to the spirit of suicide. Thank you for helping me to call on you. Father, please help Justin and Melvin. Please save their souls. Please Lord. Please help them to be free. Please touch their minds and their hearts; and help them to yield unto you. Please Lord. You said in your word to, “Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it.” Lord I trained them as best I could to seek you; go to church; go to college and to work. Please give them direction. They are lost, and don’t know where to turn. Help them to run to you Dear Lord. Please help them.
– Lord help me not to quit. 
Help me not to give up. Help me to come out of this depression. Please help me Lord. Please Dear Lord.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015 @ 1:10 pm
– Today I screamed for Mika as I drove from the library to pick up Jordan from school. I miss my daughter.
– Now at home with Jordan; and I scream on the inside for Mika. I feel as though I have no children.
– My youngest is m.i.a. My oldest is wandering from house to house like a vagabond. Then he feels uncomfortable around me; and gets insulted over the most minute things. I am grieving too much to walk on egg shells around someone who is angry with his own life. Sometimes people get angry with you because of their own problems. They make excuses and get insulted when you don’t ask them to do something that they should have taken upon themselves to do in the first place. Then they want to argue with you when you don’t let their anger stop you or cause you to get upset. I was just praying to The Lord while I scraped the ice off of my car. I wasn’t and am not angry with Justin. His lack of initiative is on him. I’m not angry with him. I need The Lord to work on me.
– Alone but not alone. No human; but I have Jesus. Thank you Lord that you are with me always. Thank you.
Friday, March 13, 2015 @ 5:50 pm
– I miss my daughter so terribly much until I feel like screaming. This pain is almost unbearable. I’m not going to verbally say what I wish in my heart. I need to be here for Jordan.
– Justin and Melvin are struggling with their own grief. They don’t need me. Some days they don’t even call. But I don’t always call them either. Mika used to call me and ask me why I didn’t call her. I miss her so much. Besides that, I don’t want to make them sad with my own overwhelming grief.
– When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. This life is so full of sadness. I can relate to Paul wishing to be with Christ, but choosing to ask to stay for those on earth who needed him. Right now, I know that my sons need me to be alive so that they can call; even if I don’t see them. Jordan too. He needs to talk to his GaGa.
– I am so unhappy right now. Mika being dead is far too overwhelming for me.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015 @ 8:39 am
– As I listen to GMA’s documentary; “Cancer the Emperor of All Maladies,” and the Dr. who wrote the book that it is based on;
I hear
The Lord telling me to write a book about Sickle Cell Anemia; and the silent liver destroyer. Base it on Mika’s story. “Yes Lord!.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015 @ 6:42 am
– Sometimes we long for what was; that is no longer here.
Thursday, March 26, 2015 @ 5:59 am
– As I lay here on love seat thinking about wanting to talk to my daughter about my thoughts on the new, I miss my daughter so much. I also hear The Lord helping me to pray. Lord help me to adjust to my new normal.
Saturday, April 4, 2015 @ 10:33 pm
– This was a day of tears. I miss Mika so much. I miss the life that me and my children had; being able to sit downstairs and talk. Or for all of us to talk in my room.
– It’s the night before Easter. The first Easter without my daughter since she was born.
– I love The Lord. Thank you Jesus for sacrificing your life on the cross and enduring the torture, suffering, and humiliating things that they did to you.
Sunday, April 5, 2015 @10:40 pm
– Easter is almost over. Two more firsts left. The first Mother’s Day without Mika and the first Memorial Day without her. Then it’s the one year anniversary of her death. June 3rd.
– Not seeing either of my sons today was hard. They have their lives. But Easter? Wow! But I saw James, Jordan and Nikki. Thank you Jesus
Monday, April 13, 2015 @ 11:59 am
– At Jordan’s school waiting.
Thursday, April 30, 2015 @ 6:40 am
– Jordan has sat under me all morning as he plays with his iPod.
– He brought his iPod with him for the first time in months. I believe he misses his mommy.
– But I’m not overwhelmingly sad this morning. I miss Mika, 
and I wish Jordan had his mommy. Yet I am glad to be able to be here for my precious grandson. I love him so much.
Sunday, May 10, 2015 @ 11:38 pm
– I am glad to have gone through this first Mother’s Day without Mika; and not cry all day. I cried briefly in church as the choir sang about Jesus. But I think it was more for my appreciation of Jesus.
– Justin, Melvin, Jordan and I went to dinner. We had a good time talking and watching Jordan laugh and talk.
– I am so glad that I didn’t spend the day feeling sorry for myself. Thank you Jesus.
Sunday, May 24, 2015 @ 3:58 pm
– My sons and I went and placed flowers on Mika’s grave. I broke out and cried as we drove away; and said, “We have been through so much!”
Monday, May 25, 2015 @ 6:36 pm
– It’s Memorial Day.
I miss my daughter so much. Lord please help me. Sadness is ever before me.
– Justin tried to get me to go over to Ki’s house. But I just don’t want to go anywhere. I miss my daughter. It’s a holiday where people celebrate. But I have nothing to celebrate. I miss my daughter. I’m so distraught. I want my children free from legal problems. Lord help my family.
Well my friends. Thank you for joining me today. As I reread this post, I saw how grief was punching me during the timeframe of this writing. But, The Lord kept me from doing the unthinkable. Praise God! Yay! Writing gives opportunity to remind you of how great our God is. Thank you Lord!
Here are some questions for you to think about: “Have you started writing yet? If you already write your thoughts; have you reread your past writings? Can you see your strength during your toughest moments?” We’ll talk soon.
Blessings!
Rochelle
